apathy is the new freedom?

apathy is often used in a negative context. it's considered the opposite of love. but lately, and by lately I mean today, i had a thought. for me, in my life right now, apathy might be what's moving me through a tough thing. there's something that i've cared way too much about. it has taken precedence in so many areas of my life and my heart, and i have fought and fought to keep it there. even in my letting go, i have worked to move it around, but never cared little enough to let it settle where it belongs. i have been far too calculated and consumed. when i think of apathy, i think about throwing something in the air, without any concern for where it will land. that is a way of thinking, being and living that is pretty foreign to me. so i guess, i'm seeing apathy in a different light today. i'm seeing it as progress and freedom. i'm seeing it as beautiful, because to not care about this, even in the slightest way, is refreshing. for me right now, apathy doesn't mean careless in a negligant way, but surrender. and i'm going with it.

creativity. openness. freedom. these are things i feel drawn to lately. today i looked at the fresh sunflowers on my kitchen table and realized something about myself. i have bought sunflowers the past four of five times i've bought flowers. partly because i like them and they look great with the colors of one chair and the painting on the wall, and partly because i was in the habit of doing so. it shouldn't come as a surprise to me that i am creature of habit. but is this who i have to be? i also believe i have a passion for trying new things and adventure and taking risks. but how often do i play it safe because i know it works? it's far too easy for me to get lost in the routine without questioning why i'm doing things or whether there's a better way. another thing i looked at today were rows and rows of beautiful flowers at the farmer's market. i was delighted by the different colors and shapes and textures, but i didn't bring any home because i have become so accustomed to the sunflowers. i think that is such a boring way to live and i want to break out of those patterns of ease and comfort and familiarity. i heard an interesting quote recently: "dangerous and fun, two things Christians don't have enough of in their lives." i don't want my life to be characterized by the lack of either one of those things. but for me, if that doesn't necessarily come easy, then it will take me being intentional about keeping things interesting. if i subject my life and decisions and thoughts to what comes naturally, the reality of that for me, is that i am a very calculated, plan-oriented, consequence-knowing person. how ironic that life, if lived to its' fullest and most like God wants for me, is none of these things. it is mysterious and exciting and dangerous, if i don't get in the way. i need to surround myself with people and art and books that break me out of my shell. diversity that inspires me to tap into the dangerous, passionate girl (or maybe woman is more appropriate these days) that i know is inside. i love getting a glimpse of her and i want to encourage her to share herself with the world more and more. it will take true commitment for me to get away from the way that i tend to do things. to live dangerously and spontaneously, not knowing what to expect. but i believe that it is in the place, where i will actually find the most peace.

Parallel Pursuits

While I was filling a chair in a favorite coffee shop of mine, I noticed someone a little "different" enter. He seemed to be mentally disabled, and approached the counter with gumption, totally unaware of his surroundings (which, by the way, I love and admire). Anyway, he was going about his business and then all of a sudden shouted, "I need friends," in an honest, but innocent way. Of course, my instinct was to laugh..but mid-laugh I caught myself. I realized in that moment a rather sobering thought: we are all the same. We all have the same needs and desires. Friendship is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. I've been evaluating the existing ones, and imagining what I would like some new ones to look like. I have been blessed with many wonderful friends, from many different seasons in life. They each bring something incredibly unique to my life and have shaped me and helped me grow. I love them. Sometimes I can be a needy friend, but I have come to realize that it's because I don't expect or want anything that I'm not willing to give myself, or that I'm not already pouring into the relationship. Anyway, my point is that I too have felt the same thing my coffee shop friend was shouting. That there is somewhat of a lack in my life at times, and the easiest thing to pin that on is friends, or in some cases a significant other, or the absence of one. But as I walk through this season of unmet neediness, I am continually and beautifully reminded that it's God I've been looking for. He is better than a million of the most attentive, most caring friends. He is the ultimate friend, but how easy is it to overlook Him in our search for intimacy? I definitely believe that we were created for relationship and friends are a necessary and wonderful blessing, but they are meant to be secondary to the all-satisfying friendship we can find in our Creator. I heard a powerful quote recently, helping to tie together everything God has been showing me lately and is says this:

"The more you seek the glory that comes from the only God, [the more] you will have all the affirmation you need to look around you and seek people to love—not people who’ll love you. You will be able to be a true friend when you are loving out of an abundance not deficiency."

So this is my goal and my journey. To learn to rely on God's love alone, not so that I diminish or neglect my friendships, but so I can release those relationships and people from the burden of providing me affirmation, and so that I can love better and be a healthier friend. I want to focus more on what I can offer, not what friendships offer me. I want to learn to apply the principle of giving one-hundred percent and expecting zero, sculpting a reality somewhere in the middle with people I love and have been given to do life with.